I am not going to lie…I have been avoiding this blog like the plague because my next topic to write about was the birth of our twins; which if you don’t already know, was VERY traumatic to us. As they just turned TWO, I figured it would be that time to write about those experiences as I haven’t ever put them into formal words before and I have so many friends who have experienced some similar situations of being planted in the NICU.

So here it goes. Even though I am in tears writing this, I hope it can just help one person along the way.

*DISCLAIMER*: This might be a little graphic for some

I will start with a little background:

It was Saturday morning, August 13, 2016, and I was staying at my in-laws house alone as Z was at his “last hurrah” golf trip with the guys before officially taking on daddy duty and my in-laws were in Yakima for the weekend. I was super excited to have some alone time and just relax and enjoy some rest. I hadn’t had any complications (to my knowledge) in my pregnancy at that point, just some lingering back pain that was really started to nag me. I start with Saturday, because that was the day my back brace was arriving as they were starting to get so heavy I needed a little help. My day consisted of the usual browsing on Pinterest to Fixer Upper playing in the background. When my brace arrived, I put it on for two hours, as I searched on Pinterest what to pack in my hospital bag (ironic now I look back on it) and then went to bed. Mind you, since I was by myself, I went to bed at 7 o’clock (living the dream)! The next morning is when everything got real.

I rolled over in bed, around 5:30am, in which was becoming quite the process by physically moving my belly with my arms and then turning over when my “water broke”. I literally thought in my head, “man, I know I needed to pee, but I didn’t know I had to that bad!” So I literally waddled to the bathroom (down the hall—at  my in-laws house) with a stream of water trailing. It was the weirdest experience I had ever felt and anyone who has had the lovely experience of their water breaking knows EXACTLY what I am talking about. The only difference is that I was NOT expecting it. I was 27 weeks and 1 day along so I still had 3 WHOLE months to go!

I called my doctor’s office and of course got an answering service as it was 5:30 in the morning..and I was told that he would call me in the next 15 minutes and if he doesn’t to call them back. So I decided I would take a bath and soak for a bit and maybe put some makeup on in case I had to go in for a check. (MIND YOU: I had no idea at that point that it even was my water breaking so I wasn’t planning on delivering). I get a call back within 12 min and it wasn’t the doctor…it was the answering service; “have you heard from the doc yet?” I calmly replied, “no, not yet” to then hear “ok, let me see if I can patch him in.” Now, also while I was in the bath, I had called my mother-in-law who is a lactation nurse and left her a message about what was happening hoping I could get an answer but being so early, she was still asleep! So the next voice I hear are my doctor’s and he says “well I don’t think it’s your water, but go ahead and come in and we will get you checked out. So I got dressed and was carrying a towel between my legs as it just kept coming out and I didn’t want to make a horrible mess anywhere! I jumped in my car and drove the 30 minutes to the hospital where I then parked (I think illegally-oops!) and then walked in–still with the towel between my legs. Along the drive, I began to get scared and by the time I got to the front desk of the ER, I was in tears. I muttered to the gal that I think my water broke and then she asked how far along I was. Both the people at the front looked at each other then made immediate calls. I was rushed a wheelchair then brought back to a “triage” room which consisted of a metal table, a trash can, and a computer. I was instructed to take clothes off and put on a gown and lay on the table. So I did and I just began to cry. The nurse asked if I was ok and I told her that I had been alone and everyone was out of town–she felt sorry and calmly said, “well I think you need to call them and have them come ASAP”. As she walked out of the room to get some supplies for a swab, I finally called Z and let him know what was going on. I left a voicemail crying, which now I think at the time how terrifying that was for him, that I was scared and in the ER. The nurse came back in and had me scoot to the end of the table (every woman knows that you think you’re on the end when they tell you to movve even more—practically until you’re falling off) when more fluids started to come out. She called for someone to come help and grab a trash can and they immediately rushed me up to the ante-partum floor. Where every woman goes before labor in which they try to prolong it as much as they can. I was met by my doctor there (who just so happened to be on call that weekend) and he informed me they would be giving me a list of drugs to stop the labor and that I would most likely be in this room until I do deliver—-hopefully in 3 months. At that time, I messaged my boss and informed him I would be working from the hospital and that I would have my computer with me first thing in the morning. I literally believed every word of the doctors and fully expected to be in that room for 3 months! My body and those precious babies had something different in mind though.

Z and my in-laws happened to be on the way at that point and I had made myself comfortable in that bed, as uncomfortable as it was. The drugs started to kick in and with all the monitors on me, I felt like I was in a 120 degree lab being monitored like a science experiment. A monitor for my heart, one each for the babies heart, a contraction monitor, and IV…lots to juggle if I had to get up and pee, which at that point felt like every second. As soon as Z got to the hospital (after a last minute flight from Portland to Spokane—all thank you to the help of his amazing friends to chip in and get him here) my contractions were getting worse. I thought contractions were supposed to be much worse so I didn’t think anything of them but that’s when Z told me I needed to tell the nurse because he didn’t think they were being picked up on the monitor correctly. I hesitated to say anything but finally did and I am so glad I did. I had dilated to a 6-7 at that point, J’s head was headed in the birth canal and my body was not stopping labor. My doctor rushed in and they brought in the neonate specialist to tell me a bunch of things on the survival rate of the twins being only 27 weeks and honestly I didn’t hear a word of what she was saying. They rushed me into the OR where I was to deliver via c-section because my doctor didn’t want to traumatize the babies by being pushed through the birth canal at that fragile state.

Let me just pause and say this: I HATE NEEDLES. I have had to get over that this whole pregnancy with blood draws and everything else but I was TERRIFIED of an epidural.

So in the OR, they laid me on another metal table and had me roll over (completely naked–with literally 20 people in the room) when they gave me the epidural. It honestly didn’t hurt and I was thinking the whole time just about why they needed so many people in that room! They then rolled me on my back and tied my arms down like I was on a crucifix. Z was let in at that point, and I began to shake uncontrollably. I was shaking the whole time and just kept saying how cold I was. A few minutes later, Z told me they pulled J out and he didn’t even want to look at him because he was afraid to get attached to something that might not live. They then pulled out S and placed them in their incubators and sent them up to the NICU where they lived for the next 89 days.

89 DAYS of the roughest time of Z and I’s life. 89 days of doubt, of worry, of hopelessness, of trials and learning. 89 days we had to wait to bring out children home. Most are not that lucky to only have 89 days. Many have much longer but God blessed us the entire way.

I will write more about our experiences with the NICU but if you’re reading this and are in a similar situation, just know I am here to talk about ANYTHING. You can message me, call me, text me, whichever. I am here for you momma!

xoxo,